Pursuit of Happiness?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Gluttony.”

Don’t kid yourselves, The Declaration of Independence was edited by Benjamin Franklin and John Adams.  They couldn’t stomach what you’re about to read.

It’s actually written: “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit and the Pursuit of Happiness.”  But we know what Thomas Jefferson really meant.  Not only should we be free to pursue land, a career, and religion without the pressures of a tyrannical government or monarchy, but we should also be free to shove footlong frankfurters down our gullet.  Thank you Thomas Jefferson for your foresight, knowing that we Americans would use our freedom wisely, turning the Seven Deadly Sins into sporting events.

Hot dogs supposedly didn’t make it to the United States until at least 1870, almost a century after the American Revolution, so we’ll have to credit Mr. Jefferson for his forward thinking in this matter.  At the time, the colonies were outraged by all the taxes on sugar, tea, paper, and stamps.  Surely, had there been hot dogs in Boston around 1770, the British would’ve taxed the HELL out of them.  Imagine the Boston Harbor filled with hot dogs…

And so, every year on July 4th, Nathan’s celebrates the resolve of the Founding Fathers, by putting on a Hot Dog eating contest.  The winner receives a $10,000 prize and a food baby the size of a 15 pound bowling ball.  Second through Fifth place contestants win money, but ultimately question why they distended their bellies for such a meager payoff.  Here’s the 2011 contest in all it’s glory.  If you have a gag reflex or a weak stomach, don’t watch or get a bucket.  ”Gentleman start your enzymes.”

Joey “Jaws” Chestnut is the reigning champion and has won the Nathan’s Mustard Belt 5 consecutive times.  He currently holds the world record for hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes: 68.  He eats like his mother never fed him and engorges red weiners like George Costanza eats Pastrami on Rye.  There’s something Caligula-esque about being able to chomp down franks like you’re in a life-sized Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

Oh yeah, and ladies don’t think the stomach stuffing is only for the guys.  Nathan’s added a women’s division this year.  Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas engulfed 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes to become the first Women’s champion in the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest.  We’ve come a long way since the 19th amendment.  Sexism be damned.

One of the contests biggest names, Takeru Kobayashi, has become the Derek Zoolander of the competitive hot dog eating world.  He was defeated in 2007 by Joey “Jaws” Chestnut and never regained his status.  He was arrested in 2010 after attempting to take the stage at the Nathan’s contest.  He refused to compete in the contest after a contract dispute, but showed up anyway wearing a “Free Kobi” t-shirt, and after fans cheered him he jumped on stage only to be escorted off in handcuffs.  In 2011, he held his own hot dog eating contest, just himself eating atop the 230 Fifth bar in Manhattan.  He won and set an unofficial record of 69 hot dogs.  And all I have to say about that number is: fitting.

Here is Kobayashi after eating 69 hot dogs.  He calls this look “Blue Steel.”

I'm really really really ridiculously good looking

Thus is the story of the Pursuit of Gluttony.  From the harbor of Boston, to the halls of the Continental Congress, to the battlefields of Lexington and Concord, to the victory at Yorktown, the fate of a “more perfect union” and the unalienable right to cram frankfurters into pieholes was secured.

He's the biggest thing hit Japan since Tom Selleck

Tiger Woods is the new Tom Selleck.
Yeah, you read that right.  Tiger Woods = Tom Selleck.

Remember the movie Mr. Baseball?  You probably don’t because you’ve probably never seen it.  If you combine the movies Gung Ho, Major League and Lost in Translation, then you end up with Mr. Baseball (1992).  Oh and don’t forget the movie tagline: “He the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla.”  This is what happens when you pass on the role for Indiana Jones.   If you had the choice between watching Mr. Baseball and getting a prostate exam, it would probably take you a moment to decide, even if you didn’t have a prostate.

In the movie, Tom Selleck plays washed up Yankees baseball player Jack Elliot.  He’s replaced by a rookie first baseman played by Frank Thomas, and if that isn’t Lou Gehrig for Wally Pip Part II, I don’t know what is.  Let’s just say that Frank Thomas would’ve been a great pick up in the Mr. Baseball fantasy league…I digress.

Tom Selleck is put on the trading block, but the only team that will take him is the Nagoya Chunichi Dragons.  This is where the movie goes Gung Ho/Lost in Translation, because Tom Selleck has a terrible time adapting to the Japanese culture and is featured in ridiculous commercials for Japanese products.  Oh yeah, and one of his teammates is Dennis Haysbert, who was Pedro Cerrano in Major League I and II.  I say forget you Jobu!  Spoiler Alert: Mr. Baseball ends with Tom Selleck bunting and becoming a coach for the Detroit Tigers.  It’s funny too because the MLB player that Tom Selleck resembles the most is Kirk Gibson, but no we get a walk off bunt.

This movie is the perfect allegory for Tom Selleck’s career because he went all the way from starring in Magnum PI, to passing on Indiana Jones, to Three Men and a Baby, to playing Mr. Baseball.

So you’re probably wondering: “Why is Tiger Woods the new Tom Selleck?”

Tiger winning 14 majors = Magnum PI
Tiger 97 Masters + 2000 US Open + 2008 US Open = Three Men and  a Baby (most successful movie)
Tiger’s  post-Thanksgiving crash = Tom Selleck passing on Indiana Jones
Tiger in 2010-2011 = Mr. Baseball

Ok, so maybe Tiger peaked a little earlier than Tom Selleck, but take a look at what Tiger is doing right now.  He grew out awkward facial hair (to call that a beard would be  generous) like Tom Selleck, and he’s now endorsing Japanese products, just like Tom Selleck did in Mr. Baseball.

Tiger is now endorsing Vantelin Kowa, which is the equivalent of Japanese BenGay.

All I know is, right now we’re watching Tiger Woods in his “Mr. Baseball” phase, which is painfully awkward to watch.  There is really no reason that Tiger would endorse the Japanese BenGay unless 1) he was actually using it for his mangled knee from his violent swinging motion or for his busted lip from the car accident, or 2) he’s so desperate for money because he’s $750 million poorer from his divorce and all of his major sponsors dropped him.   If you had told me in 2000 that between 2009-2011 Tiger would have hooked up with a Perkins waitress, lost $750 million, lost his #1 ranking and started endorsing Japanese BenGay, I would’ve told you to get back in the DeLorean and make sure Biff doesn’t get the Almanac because we’re living in an alternate reality.

None of this is good for Tiger.  If anything I would run far away from the Tom Selleck career path.  Tom Selleck ended up with those weird cameos on Friends and then ultimately doing those made-for-television Jesse Stone movies that only women over 50 watch.

Tiger was the face of golf.  Then he was the face of Chinese animation.  Now he’s the face of Tom Selleck.

The only way I’d approve of Tiger Woods living out the Tom Selleck way of life, is if he modeled himself after this 1980s commercial for Chaz aftershave and cologne:

As I previously mentioned, Mr. Baseball ends with a bunt.
Hopefully, the career of Eldrick Tiger Woods won’t end that way.

Thanks to Tim Howard, we have a new use for the Vuvuzela

We couldn’t do the show in all Spanish, much to Tim Howard’s delight, but we did bring back the vuvuzela.

Will the USA ever make a World Cup Final?  Will TO make a return to the NFL in 2012?
Jeff wants Bruno Mars to take the grenade and I want TSAs to stop patting down grannies at the airport.

…or why Jim Riggleman should watch more Seinfeld.

I declare this The Summer of Riggleman

First of all, if you don’t know who Jim Riggleman is I don’t blame you.  We’re talking about baseball here, so unless you still use a typewriter, wear your socks up to your knees, or sit in front of the computer all day and play fantasy baseball, you probably don’t know who Jim Riggleman is.  I know him from the late 90s run with the Cubs and Sammy Sosa, and his ability to go through talented pitchers like underwear in the dead of summer.

He made himself known this week by walking out on the Washington Nationals after they refused his request to meet about a contract extension.

What was odd about his resignation was the timing.  The Nationals were coming off a stretch in which they won 11 of their last 12 games, and moved above .500 for the first time since 2005.  He had a one-year contract at $650,000 for 2011, with a club option at $700,000 for 2012, which is packing peanuts compared to other MLB manager salaries.  The Nationals had yet to show interest in picking up the option for 2012, and so Riggleman did what he thought best: he quit.

My suggestion for Jim Riggleman is to pull a George Costanza.  He should go into Nationals Park on Monday morning and sit down at the conference table and act as if nothing happened.  As if he never quit.  He should greet all the staff on the way in.  He should go and visit the players, watch batting practice, hell even sit on the bench through one of the games.  And if anyone asks, he should say it was just a joke.

If that doesn’t work, at least he has all summer to think about his decision.  He could read a book from beginning to end.  He could play frolf.  Frisbee golf.  Golf with a frisbee. He could taste the fruits and let the juices drip down his chin.  He could proclaim this: The Summer of Riggleman!

But when I think about it, Jim Riggleman probably wasn’t watching a lot of Seinfeld because back in the 90s, he was watching this man.

No, not Desi Arnaz. Sammy Sosa.

You know, the guy who captured our hearts and minds with Mark McGwire in the home run race of 1998 did steroids, got hit in the head with a baseball and then disappeared from baseball, only to turn up years later as a Desi Arnaz body double.

Ultimately, I don’t blame you Jim.  Your lifetime record was 662-824 with no foreseeable future with the franchise. You hit a winning streak and tried to cash in with a club that has the potential to be a playoff team in the future.  The problem is, you’re Jim Riggleman.  You’re the equivalent of Ethan Embry in Can’t Hardly Wait, except Jennifer Love Hewitt realizes that you’re really not going to work out, and so instead of breaking up with you, she passive-aggressively waits for you to end it.  Damn, that was 1998 too.

Well Jim, hope you enjoy your three months off and the frisbee golf…

…or Why History/Discovery Channel should give me a job to develop TV shows.

Anyone interested in Vegas Weddings?

In June 2010, I hosted a podcast with two friends entitled “Ridiculous Things.”

On this podcast we sat around drinking beer (or at least I was) and kicked around the idea of pitching show ideas to cable channels.  It couldn’t be that hard right?  Pawn Stars, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch and Swamp Loggers all made it on TV, so why couldn’t we think of other professions and businesses that people would tune in to watch?

If you listen at the 8:00 minute mark, you’ll hear our conversation about specific show ideas
(Side note: if you listen at the 27:50 mark you can listen to other uses for the Vuvuzela):

These are my show ideas from the podcast.
Three of these ideas have actually become TV shows:

1) Carnies

A show based around the idea of a traveling circus or carnival workers.  You’d get the back stories of all the people that entertain on a nightly basis and travel city to city.  If you were following the circus, what would it be like to perform as a trapeze artist, a fire breather and sword swallower, a lion tamer?  If you were following a carnival, what would it be like to operate rides, guess peoples’ weight, or man the world’s smallest horse booth?

An idea similar to this aired on CBS called “Circus” in November 2010.

2.  Undertakers

Inspired by the HBO series “Six Feet Under,”  this series would focus on a family operated funeral home as people come to bury their loved ones.  From the initial arrangements, to the wake, to the actual funeral service, you get to see what it’s like to deal with death and grief on a daily basis.

3.  Taxidermy Stars

Two points of interest here: 1) at what point in your life do you say, “hey I think I want to stuff things and do it for a living” and 2) is there a limit on anything these guys would stuff?   Random side note: I once saw a taxidermy shop next to a Chinese restaurant.

Mounted in Alaska debuted on April 7, 2011

4.  Brewmasters

A host travels to different local breweries and beer festivals to discover unique brews.  Think “No Reservations” or “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives” but with alcohol.  The host would explore the brewing processes and unique flavors of beers across the world. I’m still upset that I never got to host this show.

Brew Masters debuted on Discovery Channel on November 21, 2010.

5. Vegas Weddings

I have to make this show before another network poaches it.  Behind the scenes at a wedding chapel in Las Vegas.  Get the stories of people who decide to tie the knot in the city that never sleeps.  What could be better than a show with an Elvis preacher? Viva Las Vegas!

Here’s my resume History and Discovery Channel.  Three of my ideas have become TV shows and two have potential. I’ll gladly produce and write “Undertakers” or “Vegas Weddings” as compensation for the finders fee that I should charge you for Brew Masters and Mounted in Alaska, aka “Taxidermy Stars.”  Or, I could create and star in a show called “The Creator” in which I drink beer and come up with more TV show ideas for your networks.

On Tap Sports – Performance Enhanced Edition

I come clean and admit to using performance enhancing drugs at the beginning of the show (1:00).  Jeff reminds me that the NBA Finals were good not great (18:00).   I compare the Miami Heat to the cast of Threes Company, with Bosh being John Ritter, of course (30:00).  An appearance by The Beard of Steele (35:00).  We prepare for the appearance of Ricky Rubio and the NBA Draft (43:00).  And finally, “The Two Weiners” rant (1:45:00)

Co-hosted with: Jeff Lail
Guests: The Beard of Steele
Time: 1:52:00

If you’re craving pizza but want to hold off on the carbs, you should give this portobello mushroom pizza recipe a try.
Including prep time and cooking time, it only takes about 20 minutes  to make.   It’s great because portobellos don’t have a strong taste, and since your adding marinara and pizza spices, the mushrooms will take on a completely different flavor.  You can enjoy this dish with any combination of pasta and veggies.  My personal preference is thin spaghetti and sauteed zucchini.

Original recipe courtesy of @katenlucy

Ingredients:

1 Package of portobello mushrooms (4-5)
1 jar of marinara sauce
1 package of sharp cheddar cheese
1 package of mozzerella cheese
Paul Prudhomme’s  Pizza & Pasta Magic

Cooking Instructions

1.  Preheat oven to 375 degrees
2.  Gently wipe down portobello mushrooms with a damp towel to remove excess dirt, and place stem side up on a baking sheet.  Note: You shouldn’t rinse mushrooms as they will become water logged.
3.  Sprinkle Paul Prudhomme’s Pizza & Pasta Magic on mushrooms to preferred taste.  As a substitute, you can use a combination of crushed red pepper, oregano, basil and other spices.
4.  Using a tablespoon, evenly spread marinara sauce over mushrooms
5.  Sprinkle a combination of cheddar cheese and mozzerella cheese on mushrooms
6.   Add any other desired toppings
7.  Place in oven for 12-15 minutes, until mushrooms soften.
8.  Remove from oven and enjoy

We shouldn’t be surprised by the Thunder collapse last night. And where is Kevin Durant?  I’m ok with the $50,000 fine for Noah’s slur, but is the NBA becoming too much “Real World?”  I’m still sticking with my Heat pick.  And don’t be fooled: Lance did PEDs.