He's the biggest thing hit Japan since Tom Selleck
Tiger Woods is the new Tom Selleck.
Yeah, you read that right. Tiger Woods = Tom Selleck.
Remember the movie Mr. Baseball? You probably don’t because you’ve probably never seen it. If you combine the movies Gung Ho, Major League and Lost in Translation, then you end up with Mr. Baseball (1992). Oh and don’t forget the movie tagline: “He the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla.” This is what happens when you pass on the role for Indiana Jones. If you had the choice between watching Mr. Baseball and getting a prostate exam, it would probably take you a moment to decide, even if you didn’t have a prostate.
In the movie, Tom Selleck plays washed up Yankees baseball player Jack Elliot. He’s replaced by a rookie first baseman played by Frank Thomas, and if that isn’t Lou Gehrig for Wally Pip Part II, I don’t know what is. Let’s just say that Frank Thomas would’ve been a great pick up in the Mr. Baseball fantasy league…I digress.
Tom Selleck is put on the trading block, but the only team that will take him is the Nagoya Chunichi Dragons. This is where the movie goes Gung Ho/Lost in Translation, because Tom Selleck has a terrible time adapting to the Japanese culture and is featured in ridiculous commercials for Japanese products. Oh yeah, and one of his teammates is Dennis Haysbert, who was Pedro Cerrano in Major League I and II. I say forget you Jobu! Spoiler Alert: Mr. Baseball ends with Tom Selleck bunting and becoming a coach for the Detroit Tigers. It’s funny too because the MLB player that Tom Selleck resembles the most is Kirk Gibson, but no we get a walk off bunt.
This movie is the perfect allegory for Tom Selleck’s career because he went all the way from starring in Magnum PI, to passing on Indiana Jones, to Three Men and a Baby, to playing Mr. Baseball.
So you’re probably wondering: “Why is Tiger Woods the new Tom Selleck?”
Tiger winning 14 majors = Magnum PI
Tiger 97 Masters + 2000 US Open + 2008 US Open = Three Men and a Baby (most successful movie)
Tiger’s post-Thanksgiving crash = Tom Selleck passing on Indiana Jones
Tiger in 2010-2011 = Mr. Baseball
Ok, so maybe Tiger peaked a little earlier than Tom Selleck, but take a look at what Tiger is doing right now. He grew out awkward facial hair (to call that a beard would be generous) like Tom Selleck, and he’s now endorsing Japanese products, just like Tom Selleck did in Mr. Baseball.
Tiger is now endorsing Vantelin Kowa, which is the equivalent of Japanese BenGay.
All I know is, right now we’re watching Tiger Woods in his “Mr. Baseball” phase, which is painfully awkward to watch. There is really no reason that Tiger would endorse the Japanese BenGay unless 1) he was actually using it for his mangled knee from his violent swinging motion or for his busted lip from the car accident, or 2) he’s so desperate for money because he’s $750 million poorer from his divorce and all of his major sponsors dropped him. If you had told me in 2000 that between 2009-2011 Tiger would have hooked up with a Perkins waitress, lost $750 million, lost his #1 ranking and started endorsing Japanese BenGay, I would’ve told you to get back in the DeLorean and make sure Biff doesn’t get the Almanac because we’re living in an alternate reality.
None of this is good for Tiger. If anything I would run far away from the Tom Selleck career path. Tom Selleck ended up with those weird cameos on Friends and then ultimately doing those made-for-television Jesse Stone movies that only women over 50 watch.
Tiger was the face of golf. Then he was the face of Chinese animation. Now he’s the face of Tom Selleck.
The only way I’d approve of Tiger Woods living out the Tom Selleck way of life, is if he modeled himself after this 1980s commercial for Chaz aftershave and cologne:
As I previously mentioned, Mr. Baseball ends with a bunt.
Hopefully, the career of Eldrick Tiger Woods won’t end that way.
